Most of us know the story of Jason and the Argonauts and have seen the amazing Harryhausen animated film of the same name (if you’ve not seen it I highly recommend you do). What most of us don’t know is the gruesome and dark story of what happened to the hero after his theft of the Golden Fleece.
Jason had fallen in love with the priestess Medea and along with the birth of two sons they had made a happy life together. However, after a few years of bliss it all turned sour.
Jason had caught the eye of a young princess called, Glauce who was the daughter of King Creon of Corinth. He had made arrangements to marry the princess and completely disowned the children and wife he already had. A proper dick move.
Medea is thrown into a deep depression and for some while she refuses to eat and barely acknowledges her children, or her nurse and the tutor who live with her. The rejected priestess shifts between sitting outside the house wailing and watching Dirty Dancing on repeat whilst eating squirty cream straight from the can.
Creon visits Medea and explains that he plans to exile her. Let’s be honest, if we had the power to exile a troublesome ex we all would! Medea takes this on board and accepts her exile, but begs Creon to allow her one day to get her affairs in order. Feeling sorry for her the king agrees and she is granted one day to sort her shit out.
Soon afterwards, Jason rocks up and nobody is happy to see him. With an attitude that would make Donald Trump look modest and reasonable he approached Medea and conceitedly begins to justify his actions.
“You see the thing is, love, you are just a barbaric witch. You were just a holiday romance, in fact, not even a romance; it was just a one night stand that got out of hand. Now look at me! Years down the line and I’m still stuck with you and there’s kids added to the mix too. It’s cramping my style. Glauce is a young and beautiful princess; I can’t pass on the chance to marry into royalty! I’d be stupid not to.….It’s not you, it’s me.”
Medea had turned her grief into rage and Jason could see this. In a bid to sweeten the situation he added this,
“Aaaah but, don’t worry. Once I am married we can all live together you see. You and the kids can live in the palace and you can be my mistress.” Thinking this had gone down well, Jason gave a winning smile.
“WHAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!!!!!!” Screamed Medea.
“uh-oh” exclaimed Jason and getting back on to his horse he began to flee.
“How DARE you come round here and give me that shit!! You’re nothing but a sleazy, worthless, small-dicked, shit for brains, twat!! You’ll regret this, mark my words. She’ll get bored of you once she finds out all your stories are fake and you wouldn’t have achieved anything if it wasn’t for me! Fuck you, and the horse you rode in on!!”
Medea was fumin’ and began to plot her revenge. The tutor and nurse, a little shocked and unsure what to do at first, gave each other sideways glances and with the use of hand signals and eye movements they argued silently over who would approach the pissed off woman first.
“erm….Medea sweetheart. You ok? How about a cup of tea, we’ll chill out for a while, and then start getting things packed up ready for the move tomorrow. We’ll just ignore Jason, don’t stoop to his level eh?” coaxed the nurse gingerly.
“NO! I want my vengeance!!”
“Ok well, I’ll leave you to it. If you want a hand just let me know.”
Medea gathers gifts for the young princess. She plans to present Glauce with a gold dress and coronet, both of which were gifted to Medea by the sun god Helios. She sent word to Jason that she wishes to see him and make amends. When Jason arrives she apologised for her outburst and blames it on “the female condition”.
“Please, Jason, forgive me. I’m a crazy bitch and lost my rag with you, but now I realise I was out of hand. I don’t mean any ill toward Glauce and wondered if you would be able to pass on this gift to her, to celebrate her wedding. It is of high importance as it has come from the sun god himself and it is ideal for a girl of her beauty.”
Falling for her lies, Jason takes the dress and coronet and heads back to the palace. Once there he presents them to his future bride and she is mega excited. Falling in love with her new outfit right away she tries it on and calls for her father to come and see.
Unknown to anyone, except Medea, the gifts had been poisoned. Within minutes of her putting on the dress and coronet Glauce begins to shriek. The crown is digging into her head and the more she tries to pull it off the more it tightens, it drives into her scalp until blood runs down into her eyes. The dress burns her skin as if it were on fire. Creon, terrified for his daughter, comes to her aid, but the dress begins to burn him too. Both father and daughter scream in agony as the flesh is ripped from their bones. Both king and princess are now dead.
As this is going on, Medea is back at home putting the final pieces of her retribution together.
Emotionally conflicted, but knowing that this is the only way to truly hurt Jason and get revenge, she enters the house. The nurse and tutor come looking for her, but it is all too late. Medea re-emerges from the house covered in blood. She has killed her two sons.
“That is it!! You murdered by new wife and her father. Witch!”
“I didn’t touch them. Anyway, I’ve got other plans.” She says as she climbs into her sexy new chariot, also given to her by the sun god, which has been parked on the roof of the house. “I’m not going to cry over you anymore, you worthless piece of shit!”
“W-what is that?” stutters Jason.
“It’s a chariot, retard!”
“NO! Are they my sons?!” screams Jason pointing at the two small bodies lying at Medea’s feet.
“Sure are dickhead! The only way I could truly hurt you was not to centre my reprisal on myself, you have proven that you don’t give a flying fuck about me, but your sons however, that is different. I have taken away your heirs and legacy. Your precious boys whom you adored. Do not forget that you abandoned them as well as me, you would have allowed them to be thrown into exile!” her reply was venomous and eloquent.
Jason pleaded for her to let him hold them once more, so that he could mourn them properly and say goodbye.
“No.” she said bluntly. “You will never hold your sons again. That is the final nail in the coffin that is your punishment. I curse you, Jason. You shall live the rest of your life in misery and your death shall be unremarkable, verging on humorous.”
With those words she flew off, satisfied with her revenge.
A few years later Jason died after bumping his head on the mast of his ship, the Argo. Clumsy twat.
There you have it, the story of a woman scorned and a warning to all men of what we are capable of. There are many more tales from Ancient Greece regarding pissed off women and why you should at least try to avoid getting their back up, but I think this one is the best.