Bullet point your day

 

• 05:00am. Woken up by the cat screaming in my face
• 05:20am feed screaming cat after 20 failed minutes of trying to get him to go away
• 05:22am crawl to bed and try to get back to sleep. Incapable of doing so I either stare into the void or go on Pinterest
• 07:30 fall out of bed and get ready for work
• 08:00 drive to work
• 08:30 – 17:00 continue to settle into my new job and learn about the world of tower cranes
• 17:30 – 19:00/20:00 CrossFit. I will hit the WOD and then do extra bits and bobs on my own. Frantically trying to improve my fitness.
• 20:15 Home, greeted by my screaming cat who will bestow all his affection on me for the rest of the night
• 20:30 shower
• 21:00 bed where I usually read or listen to a podcast whilst having cuddles or playtime with the cat
• 01:00 most likely still awake, knowing I should really get some sleep.

Share something you struggle with

*trigger warning – eating disorder*

 

If you read my blog (which I doubt anyone does with any kind of commitment) you’ll know that I am no stranger to mental health problems and every day is a constant battle. I have talked a lot about my depression, anxiety, BPD, and my general self-loathing, but something I rarely touch on is my struggle with food.

My eating disorder is categorised as Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified or EDNOS for short (although I think the name has recently changed). This is a difficult disorder to diagnose and treat. People with EDNOS tick boxes of both anorexia and bulimia, but nine times out of ten will maintain a healthy body weight which makes it impossible for anyone to see our problem as anything more than the body hang-ups of a normal person. For me I carry the restricting and fasting symptoms of anorexia and the purge habits of bulimia (diuretic and laxative abuse). I have a cautious feeling around carbs, even if they always tend to be the tastiest, but in my head carbs are what make you fat and they’re categorised as ‘bad food’. No matter what I eat I will always have Instant guilt afterwards. I will eat though, if you ask me to go out for food I’ll still go, but what you won’t realise is that I won’t have eaten for three days before and most likely won’t eat for the following two days. My regular routine is that I am completely food-free Monday – Thursday (unless something comes up, which is rare), I always have lunch with my friend Chris in work on a Friday and then eating at weekends is hit and miss; it entirely depends on what I’m doing.

My weight isn’t dangerously low, I’m far from being at risk of hospital admission, in fact I think I am officially classified as overweight according to the BMI chart (and I don’t disagree). I notice immediate weight gain after I eat and feel enormous (as well as horrendously guilty and full of self-loathing). I could never eat three meals a day “like a normal person” because I know I would gain so much weight and even if I made exercise my full-time job I wouldn’t be able to maintain any kind of weight/body I could cope with.